This morning, before I was able to take my coat off, my #1 Work Wife, Brianna, confronted me about my conduct at an after-work affair, last Friday. She scolded me for leaving her sitting unattended and drink-less at the affair. One might ask: how does one find oneself in such a predicament? I’d have to admit, it’s the result of sheer stupidity. I was the victim of overscheduling. Stuff happens.

The focal point of this piece is not how stupid I can be in social situations. The discourse of this report reveals one of an office worker’s best kept secrets: the accumulation of work wives and work husbands.

The average worker devotes more than one third of their lives to work-related activities. That time, spent with people who would otherwise be strangers, creates a dynamic that our families and friends never contemplate. We develop very safe, very intimate relationships with people that we never have sex with and never visit in their homes. We rarely get to meet their significant others, even though we hear about them all the damn time! What we don’t tell is: how we indulge ourselves in our lusty routines, scrutinizing every movement that our co-workers of interest make, as they chew their food or have a cup; examining them from head to toe, as they are walking by. We look up the crack of their asses as they are riding the escalator. And other men try to look at your johnson when you’re standing next to them at the urinal!

I love derrieres. I can tell if one of my female co-workers has gained or lost 8 ounces or when they don’t bother to wear panties. I am especially pleased when a busty female comes into my cubicle while I’m sitting and unassumingly shoves her cleavage in my face.

I have worked in offices, as a professional, for 17 years. I have learned the most intimate details about people’s lives and never get to visit their homes. This discussion is not about interoffice affairs or lusting after the delivery man or the postal worker in the tight uniform. This is about one of our dirty little secrets in the workplace.

“THE INITIATION”

As soon as you come into a new office environment, people begin sizing you up to determine what role they will play in your work life. Trying to express the right combination of professionalism and comportment only serves you for so long. IF YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE, people want to know you. I am 6’2” and better looking than some girls. I knew from working and living in female dominated environments, during my college years, that it pays to be “everybody’s boyfriend”. Picking on one or two women is destined to get you in big trouble and in some cases out the door. The women that don’t throw their skirts over your head,when you first arrive eventually settle down and simply treat you like that sex toy they used until the batteries died. It’s better to be objectified than unemployed.

The media typically portrays office settings as male dominated. That has not been my experience, here in Detroit, as a civil servant. The majority of the staff in the building where I work is female. Many of the best positions, in civil service, are reserved for men but the Governor and her crew are in the process of changing that. The first line supervisors, most of the journeyman level positions and the majority of the clerks are female.

The women that have healthy relationships with men will approach the moment you arrive on the scene. If you can avoid getting your face slapped or a harassment suit and you don’t try to bone up to every available woman you meet, you will get yourself some work wives.

Married women are far more adventurous that single women. I’m not sure why that is. I am sure that married women will step right up and “test” you. A smart man will not make any untoward moves during the probationary period. No propositions, no staring and NO touching. There are exceptions to be sure. Repeated jabbings of breast in your chest or the backing up of big butts onto your crotch on the elevator are hard to resist. On occasion, these gestures can backfire on you. I fall backward like the guy that got stabbed on the stairs in “Psycho” when hit with tits. I whisper in the ear of the women on the elevator that we will “have to get married” if they fail to move that butt away from my expanding crotch. If it happens a 2nd or 3rd time it’s “on”. If they cease and desist, I try to be their friend. When the planets are in the correct alignment, I have myself a new work wife.

The up side of these clandestine relationships is: you never have to go to lunch alone or sit by yourself at break time. And Work Wives make attractive bait for single women that see them with you.

The new President of my fan club admitted that seeing me with WW#1 had initially aroused her curiosity about me. Ironically, The President is a close friend of a former work wife that transferred to another location.

Having a healthy attraction can work for you. Sexual tension can go one of three ways. You will fuck or you may fight or (my preference) have an ongoing relationship with lots of smiling, with the occasional hug, when you haven’t seen them for a few days and the occasional meal or drinks after work, which brings us back to last Friday.

Work Wife #1 decided, two hours before the function, that she and I were overdue for drinks and a little gossip. She called me and announced that we would be going to the party together. I eliminated “No” from my vocabulary after my first marriage. I knew I had invited at least 3 women to meet me at the function. I bet on the law of averages. WW#1 called back and informed me that she needed to go to her car, so she would meet me at the function. As I was boarding the elevator, Work Wife # 3 called for me to hold the elevator door. WW#3 is my only never been married work wife. She has always relied on the kindness of “gentlemen” for support and bar tabs. She immediately wanted to know if I was going to the after-work affair. I couldn’t say no. We walked through the tunnel to the bar. Seated right at the entrance of the bar was the new President of my fan club. I obediently sat next to the President. We needed to go over some numbers 52, 36, 47. The rest is not worth repeating.

When Brianna, WW#1 arrived at the bar, I was sitting with the President and was unable to attend to her in a manner to which she has become accustomed. I was guilty as charged. So today, I immediately began apologizing and boo boo kissing. I knew Friday that I had messed up. The President had not confirmed her attendance at the party, so I carelessly invited several female acquaintances and 2 Work Wives.

WW#1 had to find out that she was not the only woman in the building that I’m interested in. The damage was not critical. At the end of each day, we conveniently park our work relationships at the door and pick them back up when we’re in need of a little attention. Irrespective of the level of emotional intensity, as long as you can avoid butt-naked sex, you’re usually safe. There have been occasions when I met a spouse and they put my hand in a vice grip and stated that they had heard A LOT about me. I learned, early in the game, to leave the sexual details of my life out of my conversation with the married work wives. Work Wife #2 is a widow. We talk about our sex lives in graphic detail but her boyfriends rarely find out about our talks. We have been at parties when she blurted things out but no one cares or remembers.

Having work wives and husbands does not have to have a downside. The relationships I am describing with wives 1 & 2 have been nurtured for over a decade. For the most part, there have not been too many “spill over” problems. Brianna and I attend a lot of partiies together. She has a girlfriend that likes to flirt with me in front of her real husband. We had to come to an understanding. I told her to sleep with me or leave me be! We never did the do. When I see her out now, I always get status on the whereabouts of that husband. If he’s in the room, I don’t stay long. Ironically, if he isn’t there she’s pretty tame.

Work wives are personally good for the libido. I get enough attention from them and the women that see us interacting together to act like I have some sense around women. It takes a bit of discipline to have relatively wholesome relationships. There is however no suitable alternatives in the workplace. The penalties for sexual harassment are severe. And, if you or your co-worker is married and you do the nasty, YOU WILL BURN IN HELL! Travel the safe route this holiday season.