So you’ve got the wife and the kids. You’ve got and are just barely hanging onto, the co-op in the chic enclave, you’re so middle-aged. Some men, finding themselves adrift in a wood in their middle years, go to the gym: I troll whores for coke.
After you’ve seen the horrors of Chelsea Pier’s ice rink on a weekend afternoon, nothing raises the spirits of the inner-borough salary man like secret afternoons and evenings spent in Bushwick or Washington Heights trolling whores for coke (TWFC).
TWFC consists, at its simplest, of asking hookers to buy you coke and seeing where the relationship takes you.
Some say TWFC is nothing but safe sex for geezers. Maybe they have a point. I’m not a critic. I don’t want to start thinking about why I TWFC, I just want to tell you how great it can be and how you can do it too if you want to.
For starters, you must have the whores and the retail coke outlets in reasonable proximity. TWFC doesn’t work if you have one and not the other. So this means, in my experience, doing your trolling in poor neighborhoods. I like Bushwick and Washington Heights, but beginners can start with whatever slum is closest.
Maybe its just parochial favoritism on my part, but I don’t think you can beat Washington Heights as a place to TWFC. So I think its worth a trip uptown for most neophytes.
The first thing you have to do is find the whores. You tell them you don’t want sex, at least, not at first. You ask them if they would get you some coke. You tell them you’ll pay as much as for sex or close if they come back with the drugs. Since a lot of the whores are drug addicts, this is kind of like finding something in common with some woman in a bar or office and going from there.
One of the most obvious risks is that the whores take your money and that’s the last you see of them. You have to accept you’ll get ripped off a lot. If you can’t afford to lose the bucks, then TWFC is not for you. But it is cheap. You say you want a twenty of powder and you’ll pay them more than the twenty you’ve giving them to get it, like $35 or $40 or something when they come back with the drugs. Since a lot of them are crack addicts, you have to specify that you want powder or you’ll end up with useless crack.
A lot of times, if they want to do it, the whores will give you some worthless ID or a really cheap radio or CD player or something for you to hold to prove that they’ll come back. These gestures by the whores are all well and good, but whatever they give you is likely to be easily abandoned by them and certainly doesn’t mean they will come back. But there’s no harm in accepting these items. Soon, you too can have a collection of really cheap transistor radios at home.
If they do come back with the drugs, it means you can trust them. You can get to know them. Maybe you’ll do the drugs with them though they usually won’t have anyplace to go to do them. And you’ll just have to endure the whore’s complaints about what a waste it is to snort, rather than smoke the coke. I suppose, though, if you find yourself smoking coke with your new friends, you may be getting deeper into TWFC than I have. This article is really more of a how to get started piece, if you’re smoking coke with your hooker-friends, then, congratulations, you’re well past the beginner stage of TWFC.
The other obvious thing about TWFC is that you could get laid. They are whores even if you’re pretending just to be drug buddies. I never had sex while TWFC, but I tried to keep an open mind about it. Responses from a hooker-friend like “I’m not taking my bra off because I’ve got some kind of abscess on my breast,” or “I don’t know if I have AIDS or not,” or “If you think that when I’m on the roof of a six-story walk-up with one of my Chinese johns that I’m going to go all the way downstairs to the deli for a condom, you’re nuts” can be off-putting. Maybe I’m too sensitive.»
Photo by Joe Stump
I have supplied the following text based on an actual TWFC encounter for the beginner to get an idea of how conversations with your new drug buddies might go. This is how the TWFC apprentice might start up a conversation. Say you spot a young, white woman standing on the corner of 180th St. and Ft. Washington Avenue. Determine she is a whore. A sexy outfit and or waving at passing cars can be a tip-off.
“Hey, what’s up.”
“I’m trying to get some coke, some powder. Can you help me with that? Get me a twenty and I’ll give you a twenty and a tip.”
“You a cop?”
“Nah. I know the drill. Wanna take a look, make sure there’s no badge hanging on my neck?”
Lift your T-shirt or whatever you're wearing. Don’t worry about this question. The whores always ask this. For some reason, they also always think that there is some rule that if they ask you if you are a cop, you have to tell them.
If you’re white, as I am, the whores and anyone else you meet TWFC will think you’re a cop. This can be a pain in the ass. On the flip side, when you run into real cops even though you are a white man walking along with a frequently deranged looking, druggie woman in a neighborhood you don’t belong in, they don’t bother you.
“I gotta go to a spot on 173rd. Give me the money.”
“Promise you’ll come back. I might go for a blow job later.”
“If you don’t trust me, then forget it.”
“No, here’s the money. I’ll be at the back of the Port.”
(This is what the whores and dealers call the uptown Port Authority bus terminal, a center for your Washington Heights TWFC).
“Whatever. Be back in twenty minutes.”
Then you wait around to see if she comes back. If she does, often she’ll have gotten some crack for herself. Sometimes an invitation to get high together will follow. Sometimes she’ll want to see you take some coke to make sure you’re not a cop. But finding a place to do this is usually hard. Other times, you’ll just take your drugs and go home.
I like the frisson of TWFC for its own pleasure. You have to have a sincere appreciation for the women, their scene, and of course, for the drugs. I don’t think you can TWFC successfully if you don’t like coke. Nor will it work if you don’t have at least some slight erotic interest in the whores. Even though some people say TWFC is more about drugs than sex, (and maybe they’re right), you still have to have some slight bit of interest in the whores themselves to balance the thing right and make it work.
If you’ve seen the horror of kids running everywhere and wives yelling at husbands that is the weekend afternoon scenario when you’ve doing your parental duties at Chelsea Piers or other such outputs of the domestic life in New York, you can well imagine what a pleasant couple of hours of vacation TWFC can be.