Dear Angela Cardinale:
Sorry to write to you months after the fact but I only just read your piece that was e-mailed to the NY Companion Bird Club.
Why didn't you tell us that you were interviewing our club for your article? And the details, Angela, did you write from memory or tape-record us? It was brilliant!
I had no idea Anna wore orange lipstick. Then I found out it was this special mood lipstick, it turns orange when she faces you, it disappears when she faces us. I'm buying some at Rite-Aid tommorrow.
I must apologize for the elderly fuddy-duddies you met, because I'm one of them. We did have younger members who came in, but they lacked the creepiness, hostility, weirdness and fanaticism that you required for your article and thus they were not worth mentioning.
It's true, Roger will talk on and on about his finches. I don't know what his problem is. You'd think he was at a bird club meeting or something.
Please forgive me for shoving a picture of a black parrot in your face. Several members of my club have paper cuts on their noses from this practice. I hope I didn't hurt you. And I always thought my parrot was dark blue with bronze wings and purple flight feathers. But you set me straight.
Angela, you mentioned my creepy stare and bowl haircut. Well, you did say that you had a blueberry stain on your blouse. I confess, I was staring at it. And wasn't it amazing how my pixie haircut morphed into a bowl? I did that for you, darling!
Did you remember asking me about what happened to my pet Fuery? No, of course not. I just ranted about that damn robin for 30 whole seconds. Oops! Sorry, I know you hate robins. I don't know what made me say that, Angela. Forgive me.»
And the ketchup bottle, I was picturing Fuery's kidnapper when I broke it. I started small with salt shakers. I wanted to shatter a bottle of milk, but milk comes in those plastic or waxed paper containers. You can't get a satisfying "crash" with that.
What are the other things you said? oh, right: dyed hair, smoker's voice, face like a fish, 50 to 80 years old, ya da, ya da, ya da...Angela, I don't remember your mother being there so why did you write about her?
Incidentally, Nina's marriage is in turmoil because of George the parrot. He wants to fly to Aruba, they want to stay home. George has left them and joined "Parrots without Partners".
Remember all that talk about sexual parrots? Was that sick or what? (Hey, at least it wasn't about robins!)
You recall that lady we verbally attacked, who was feeding her parakeets what we considered a poor diet? Angela, it was horrible! The police found her a week later buried up to her neck in millet!!
Sweetheart, your expose blew the lid off our club and we will never forget you. Our members even chipped in to buy you a gift.
It's a video.
Alfred Hitchcock's "THE BIRDS".
Please watch it when you're alone.
Very truly yours,
Member of the NY Companion Bird Club
This piece refers to Angela Cardinal's article, "For the Birds."